How to Survive The Zombie Apocalypse
by DB Sommer
Summary: The matter of zombies is broached and discussed


How to Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

(or Die Trying)

An Azumanga Daioh fic

As Always I do not own the AD characters.

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In an unusual turn of events, the girls had decided to eat lunch on the roof of the school, mostly because Tomo thought it was cool kids who did things like that and that they should be more cool.

They were nearly finished with their meal when Tomo went up to the fence surrounding the roof and peered beyond it, sandwich in hand. She stared at something and said, "Hey guys, I think High School of the Dead is about to start."

The others looked at each other in confusion. Kagura said, "I'm pretty sure that wasn't renewed a while back."

Yomi nodded. "Correct."

Tomo clarified. "What I mean is I think a zombie just walked up to the front gate. It looks kind of like a person in clothing that's been through the ringer, it has a vacant stare of mindlessness in its eyes, its shuffling rather than walking, and its mouth is open and drool is coming out of it."

The others rushed to the edge of the roof and peered beyond as well, trying to see what Tomo was describing and found it.

Osaka said, "I'm pretty sure that's Miss Yukari. She looks hungover and is only getting to school really late."

"Oh, so it is." Tomo relaxed. "Well, it's an understandable mistake."

The others agreed and went back to finishing their lunches.

As they began eating again, Tomo said, "So, speaking of a zombie apocalypse—"

"We were?" Chiyo asked.

The response came from Yomi and was emphatic. "Yes, we were."

Tomo continued. "What do you think our chances are of survival in one?"

Yomi reacted instantly. "Depends on what kind of zombies you're talking about. Slow or fast? Can you drop them with a head shot, or do you take out the heart, or do you have to burn them to ashes? Then are there ones more intelligent than others? And if so can they control the others? There are a lot of factors to consider."

Everyone looked at Yomi in surprise. Kagura finally said, "That's a lot of… knowledge about zombies there."

"Yomi's a zombie nut," Tomo explained.

"Aficionado, if you please," Yomi said primly.

Tomo laughed. "If it's zombie related, she knows it. She even studied voodoo for a while."

"Only as it pertains to zombies. I'm no houngun," Yomi clarified.

"Like the one that had heroes at a POW camp?" Osaka asked.

"That was a Hogan, like a last name, not houngun, like a voodoo priest," Yomi explained.

"Oh." After a moment's consideration, Osaka said, "But if he had been, would the show have been called 'Houngun Hogan's Heroes'?"

"And getting back to the zombie apocalypse," Tomo said, "For zombie types, we'll go with the traditional slow moving, shoot them in the head, dumb ones, like Miss Yukari."

Yomi held her hand to her chin in thought. "Some of us will probably survive, but its highly unlikely all of us will make it. Survival is largely dependent on your skills and if they'll help or not. For example, if you knew how to handle guns and had access to some, your chances would go up significantly. If you're a culinary chef, not so much."

Osaka put a consoling hand on Chiyo's shoulder. "Sorry."

Tomo said, "Only time I've been sorry I'm not a gun nut otaku."

"You're just a nut," Yomi confirmed.

"Hey!"

Osaka said, "I know how to SCUBA dive, does that help?"

Kagura, now into it, asked Yomi, "Do zombies even function underwater?

"The Zombi 2 type can. They can even attack sharks."

"Zombie Jaws," Tomo said gleefully and started 'duh duh duh,'ing the Jaws theme.

Sakaki, who had simply been watching and listening, since that was what friends did when you found yourself in a conversation you didn't want to take part in, suddenly panicked. "Animals can turn into zombies?"

Yomi shrugged. "Sometimes, but that one's rarely used. Realistically, once the insects get infected, we're all toast. They can get anywhere and infect anyone, and being turned into a zombie by a fly just isn't visually exciting the way someone being bitten is."

"Okay, no zombie Jaws," Tomo said.

Sakaki breathed a sigh of relief. A zombie kitten apocalypse was more than she could handle.

Yomi said, "Since I know zombies and how they work, I'd be the brains and come up with how to counter them. Sakaki's good at everything, so she'd be an asset. So would Kagura."

Tomo looked piteously at Chiyo. "Looks like you're going to be left behind."

'Hey! I'd be useful," she insisted.

"You sure would be," Yomi confirmed. "You'd be great bait for zombies. We'd tie you to a line and dangle you in mid-air above them just out of reach. When they're focused on trying to get you, we'd take them out from behind."

"I'm not sure I want to be useful anymore," Chiyo said weakly.

"What about me?" Tomo asked.

"You're practically a necessity," Yomi assured her.

"Thanks."

"If we're ever in a tight situation and need to throw somebody to the zombies to escape, you're the sacrifice."

"Hey! I've got more uses than zombie chow. I can… um." She looked to the other girls for help, but they simply shrugged their shoulders, unable to come up with anything either.

"Yum, yum, yum," Yomi said as she made gobbling noises while finishing the last of her food.

Tomo frowned. "I'll show you. I'll make myself useful." And she stormed off.

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It was the morning of the next day when Tomo entered the room wearing a headband with a rising sun on it. She walked over to the desk Yomi was sitting at and stared hard at her. "I'll have you know I joined the kendo club." She pointed at the headband. "Now I can chop off zombie heads, once I get my parents to buy me an actual katana. So now I'm useful."

Osaka said, "I checked out my SCUBA gear and made sure it's in working order. I'm good to go in case we need to take submerged action against a zombie horde."

Chiyo piped in, "I've grown half a centimeter so I'm too big to use as bait."

With the girls gathered around, Yomi reached into her bag and pulled out a several reams of papers loosely bound together. "I printed these up last night. I'd always had a bunch of notes on this, but now I consolidated them into a more readable format. Here you guys go." And she began handing them to her friends. They read the title, 'How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse.'

The action was picked up on by the recently arrived Yukari. "Mizuhara! What do you think you're doing? Handing out homework is my job! You try gunning for it, and you'll be sorry." She stormed over and tore the papers out of everyone's hands. "In fact, if you think you're so smart, you can teach the class."

Yomi stood up and pumped her fist before her. "I'll be glad to." She then walked up to the podium. She adjusted her glasses, then boldly intoned. "Class, today you're going to learn one of the most important things ever: how to survive a zombie apocalypse."

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Yukari walked into the teacher's lounge, where Nyamo already was sitting. As she plopped down tiredly in her chair, her friend said, "I heard you were teaching zombie killing in class today."

"It was one of the students, I'll have you know."

"I'm trying to figure out how it relates to English, since that is what you teach."

"You've got to be versatile in how you educate kids nowadays, and find unconventional approaches."

"So they taught it in English?"

"Not in so many words, no. Except for 'zombie'. Did you know it's a bastardization of a West African term?"

The PA to the lounge turned on with a burst of static and the principal's voice stated, "Tanizaki. Office. Now."

"Why do I even bother?" Yukari rose from her seat, shoulders slumped, vacant look to her eyes, and drool coming from her mouth as she began shambling to the principal's office.

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[End story]

Hadn't done anything Azumanga for a long while. Time to see if anyone still reads them.


End file.
